I lived with Luke for three magical years in college and really was able to study his behavior and learn what really made him tick. He’s a complex and mysterious individual. Instead of having a nice dinner at the table he would sit on the radiator and eat a bowl of steamed broccoli with nothing on top of it. It was amazing to witness.
For years Luke had a secret Twitter that he refused to let me follow. The whole idea of Twitter is that it’s a social media platform where you can share your thoughts and ideas to the world. You can give your opinion on sports or politics or how you feel about the latest trends in society. Luke doesn’t give a shit about any of that. His twitter was so private that he had zero followers for seven years.
My numerous follow attempts were met with quick denial without explanation. With each denial my curiosity grew stronger. What in God’s name was he hiding on there? What sort of weird, sadistic thoughts did he type into 140 characters and send out for no one in the world to see but himself?
Was he tweeting to himself every night as he sat on the radiator eating his plain steamed broccoli like some sorta sociopath? I had to know.
I begged Luke for years to see his tweets. Each time he refused. The mystery grew stronger.
In the mid 1980s mustached talk show host, Geraldo Rivera hosted a live two hour TV special where an excavation team opened a mysterious vault in the Lexington Hotel which one was owned by the famous gangster, Al Capone. The hype for the opening of the vault was unreal. People wondered what could be inside? Dead bodies? A treasure? Just to be safe they even had a medical examiner on site should they come across any corpses and members of the IRS should any money be found.
With the hype at maximum levels the vault was opened only to contain dirt and a few empty bottles. Rivera was forced to apologize.
Today Al Capone’s vault is being opened for me. I was just informed by Luke that his twitter was made public. I was either in for a major disappointment, like a room full of empty bottles and dirt, or maximum excitement, like the scene at the end of National Treasure where they finally find the hidden treasure.
Now, having scanned through the tweets, I have the answer…
Treasure found. Luke is fucking Socrates resurrected. I cannot wait to see what else he has in store for us from the depths of his brain.
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