There is a moment in John Hughes’ incredible holiday classic Planes, Trains and Automobiles where the main character (portrayed by Steve Martin) starts to fantasize what his Thanksgiving Day will look like after an insane journey home from a work trip. It is a heartfelt and sentimental moment that turns a movie from being a great comedy into a great film. Take a look and have your heart melted: https://youtu.be/pPJzNNpUFsU?t=110
Now that your heart is full, it’s time to fill our stomachs with food and drink combinations and give our eyes some football. I’m going to break down a fantasy of what a perfect Thanksgiving Day for this Italian and giddy Patriots fan would be like. This fantasy does not include a lick of reality when it comes to budget, logic and location. This goes without saying that this fantasy would obviously include having my wife, family, friends, deceased relatives and dog by my side. But enough mush, let’s break it down by time:
10:54am: I wake up from my annual Thanksgiving Eve party where I probably went to bed at 5am singing “Narcolepsy” by Third Eye Blind with the house guests who couldn’t drive home.
11:10am: I walk downstairs to my self-cleaning kitchen where I have Nitro coffee on tap and bacon cooking itself. I eat two pieces of bacon and ask “Alexa” how long my commute is to the day’s festivities. She responds, “your commute today is 17 seconds, just go upstairs and take a shower and when you come back downstairs, you will arrive at your destination.” I respond, “Alexa, thank you” and she replies “You’re welcome, lazy ass.” She has a point.
11:46am: After a shave and shower, I come downstairs to everyone I ever cared about in a room that has magically expanded in size and comfort. The self-cooking bacon machine is a big hit with everyone. My dog wags her tail at me and I throw her bacon. It’s a big hit with animals too. Why hasn’t this been invented yet? Christian (Daily Nerd co-founder and head of social media), take note, and let’s make this a Daily Nerd product.
12:01pm: Football begins. It’s the New England Patriots vs. Who Cares and the television is the size of the entire wall with a 76k Retina display (that’s not a real number don’t look it up). My brother hands me a juicy double IPA to kick the day off right. The wine will be saved for dinner. Remember, at The Daily Nerd, we support our fellow New Englanders and drink local, so for this fantasy double IPA, it’s probably a mix from all the New England states. Except Connecticut, which is not a real state. It’s just a highway for us to get to New York City and nothing else. They even have a town called Mianus. Every time my GPS drives through it, it says “now entering, Mianus.” Look it up, it’s there.
12:33pm: Tom Brady throws two touchdowns at once to Gronk and Troy Brown in two different eras of time. This is my Thanksgiving fantasy, not yours, so whatever I say goes.
12:51pm: The self-cooking bacon machine gives way towards a self-made charcuterie board that includes olive oil dipped bread and organic cheeses from all over the world. The wine is not saved for dinner after all and is served and paired with all the cheeses.
1:14pm: Tom Brady passes Brett Favre for most touchdowns of all time. Bill Belichick smiles and high fives him. Tom is surprised. Then they hug in celebration. See, they’re best friends after all!
1:50pm: Someone tries to start a political debate and is removed from the fun and is forced to clean all the self-cooking bacon machines. I never said they were self-cleaning.
2:25pm: Jim James from My Morning Jacket shows up with an acoustic guitar and asks if anyone wants to jam. I immediately anoint him as a family member for life. For real, have you heard his cover of Lucky Man by Emerson Lake and Palmer? It’s just delightful.
2:57pm: The Patriots win the Super Bowl even though it’s not actually played on Thanksgiving. Spygate and Deflategate never happened, Bill Belichick shouts out his support to the LaMarca family for defending the wall and Robert Kraft invites us all to the ring ceremony.
3:17pm: My wife and I hop back into the DeLorean and relive our wedding day.
3:18pm: My wife and I return from the DeLorean with no time actually passing.
3:34pm: Something about meatballs being consumed here from my favorite restaurant Giovanni’s in South Slope, Brooklyn, New York, USA, Earth.
3:41pm: Dinner is served. Wine is consumed. Everyone wears sweatpants.
4:05pm: The New England Patriots kick off their next season facing the Pittsburgh Steelers at home during the previous Super Bowl celebration ceremony. Insert Mike Tomlin face here.
7:03pm: Tom Brady defeats the Pittsburgh Steelers, wins his 7th Super Bowl ring and announces a lifelong contract with the team.
7:17pm: A private jet arrives flown by Maverick from Top Gun and everyone gets on it to fly to Europe. We bring the self-cooking bacon machine with us. The relative who tried to talk politics is not invited.
11:59pm: Through the magic of not caring about reality, we all land in Tuscany before midnight (signaling the end of this fantasy) and all hop in the DeLorean and continue this Thanksgiving fantasy on a time loop so it never actually reaches midnight, therefore it’s 11:59pm forever, therefore this fantasy lasts forever.
12:00am: This day actually does end because real life with real family and friends is always better. John Hughes knew this. Steve Martin knew this. We should all know this. Go hug someone this year (especially if it is that political relative because they probably haven’t been hugged in a while) and be thankful that you had time to read this as much as I am thankful that I had time to write this insanity. Life is short. Enjoy it.
Now, Christian, let’s get going on this self-cooking bacon machine so we can all actually afford a private jet to Tuscany. Happy Turkey Day. Go pats.
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